Failures Of A Dark Lord
by Dark Priestess Tsubaki
Summary: Attempts made by Voldemort and the Death Eaters to kill Harry Potter. Extremly out of character!
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: Yay, I finally got this up, so enjoy!

* * *

"Here ye, here ye!" said Voldemort as he entered the room to begin the Death Eater meeting. 

Everyone in the room turned and stared at him.

"I wanted to make a grand entrance!"

The Death Eaters continued to stare.

"Okay fine!" he sighed. "I'm losing it!"

Everyone nodded in agreement.

Voldemort glared at his followers, but chose to ignore the fact that they thought he was senile.

"So anyway, we need to think of a plan to kill Potter, and I do NOT want a repeat of last time."

**-Flashback-**

"_Now Potter, any last words before I kill you?" said Voldemort._

"_I don't feel like dying today. Good bye!" said Harry as he walked away._

"_Oh, okay." said Voldemort, as he turned and headed back towards the hideout. "Hey, wait a minute…"_

**-End of Flashback-**

"So…" said Voldemort. "Any ideas?"

"Can we just go and kill him?" said Bellatrix.

"No Bella," said Voldemort. "It doesn't work that way."

"Make him listen to Bellatrix sing?"

"Hey!"

"Make him listen to the Dark Lord sing?"

Voldemort was starting to get annoyed. "Any real ideas? And the next one to say **ANYTHING **moronic is getting crucio'd!"

"Is this plan going to have the same outcome as the last 9,586,400 plans?"

"Actually it was 9,586,429 plans that failed before this."

"CRUCIO!"

* * *

-THE END- (of chapter 1) 


	2. The failure of Plan 9,586,430

Voldemort approached Harry halfway down a dark alley.

"Excuse me sir," said Voldemort pretending that he did not know Harry. "Could you tell me the time?"  
Harry turned around and tried not to laugh at Voldemort's disguise. He was wearing a fake nose and toupee.

"It's almost seven o'clock," said Harry.

"No your wrong! It's time for you to die!" laughed Voldemort his toupee slipping slightly.

"No you're not getting away from me again!" He took out his wand as Harry turned around. "Now let's see if I can remember how to do this. Av…ab…um…uh…oh right now I remember! Abra Kedabra!"

Suddenly several fluffy, pink rabbits shot out of Voldemort's wand.

"No not the happiness! My one weakness!" he yelled.

Two Death Eaters appeared and dragged their master away and cursing about how Plan 9,586,430 had failed.


	3. Tea Time

Author's Note: Thanks to everyone who reviewed and I hope you enjoy this chapter!

* * *

"Are you sure this is going to work Wormtail?"

"Yes my lord," Peter replied. "Just make sure he drinks the tea."

"My lord," said Bellatrix. "Are you sure you want to do this right now? You haven't been the same since your last encounter with Potter."

"What happened last time?" asked Peter.

"Let's just say don't say 'fluffy pink rabbits' anytime soon" she whispered.

"Fluffy pink rabbits?" asked Peter loudly.

"Ahh! Where?!" yelled Voldemort as he dived under the table.

"See?"

"Yo, what up homeslices?" said Harry, attempting to be cool as he walked into the room.

"How did you get in here?" asked Bellatrix.

"The door was unlocked," Harry shrugged as he looked calmly around the room.

"Well Potter, since you're here you may as well stay for tea," said Voldemort regaining his composure and emerging from under the table.

"Okay," said Harry sitting down.

Peter left the room to get the tea as Voldemort sat down across the table from Harry. Bellatrix sat down reluctantly next to her master, afraid to be within arms reach incase the plan failed.

Peter returned with cups full of tea a few minutes later. Harry took his tea and held it up to eye level. He stared at it for a few minutes, and sniffed it a few times before turning to Voldemort.

"What did you do to it?"

"_**I**_ didn't do anything to it," replied Voldemort.

"Oh okay," said Harry drinking his tea.

Bellatrix looked at him and rolled her eyes at his stupidity.

After a few minutes of them sitting and drinking their tea in silence, there was a loud crash from upstairs followed by yelling.

"What the…" asked Harry as bits of dust fell from the ceiling.  
"Rebastan and Rodolphus," explained Voldemort calmly. "They've been at each other's throats for about a week now, ever since their favorite teddy bears went missing. I wish there was something I could do, their starting to give me a headache." He shook his head and sipped his tea.

"Maybe returning them?" said Bellatrix darkly. "You took them away for 'random dramatic effect' was it?"

"Yes, I wish there was something I could do," Voldemort repeated, louder this time, ignoring her.

"It also doesn't help that Macnair hasn't sacrificed anything in two days," added Peter randomly.

After a few more moments Harry spoke.

"I uh…have to um…go now." He got up, crossed the room and disapparated.

"Wormtail," said Voldemort furiously. "I thought you poisoned the tea…"

"Funny thing," said Peter, and Bellatrix begain to distance herself from her master. "I kind of made a mistake…you see as it turns out," he began backing up at this point while glancing at Voldemort. "The poison was in that cup…" and he pointed at the cup Voldemort was currently drinking from.

* * *

-The End- 


	4. Yet Another Plan Part 1

Author's Note: Not really sure what I was thinking when I wrote this as it's really messed up. As well this does not follow the books, but enjoy anyway.

* * *

Harry, Ron and Hermione were sitting at their usual spots at the back of the potions classroom. Harry was telling the other two how he had once again escaped Lord Voldemort.

"You actually drank it!?" Hermione shrieked.

"Well he said he didn't do anything to it," said Harry defensively.

"Did it ever occur to you that he could've had another death eater poison it?"

Harry remained silent as he stared into space deep in thought. That idea had never crossed his mind.

"Oh come on Hermione, they've tried to kill me many times before and I've always escaped."

"But they're bound to get lucky sooner or later Harry. You're going to need to be more careful."

A few feet away, Serverus Snape pretended to be examining a random student's potion, while he was in fact eavesdropping on Harry and Hermione's conversation.

"Hmm…lucky…that gives me an idea on how to kill him," Snape said to himself as he wandered aimlessly forwards. "And I will tell this plan to the Dark Lord and no one will know that it's me because they all think I'm in the Order! Mwahaha!"

"Sir," said Hermione slightly confused with her hand in the air. "Is it true you have a plan to kill Harry and you're going to tell this plan to Lord Voldemort, but no one will think it's your plan because they all think you're with the Order of the Phoenix?"

"Um…no," said Snape, his eyes moving suspiciously. "Where would you…um…get a…crazy idea like that?"

"Well the thing in professor, you kind of screamed it…"

He paused for a minute and looked around the room. He then pulled a random blanket out of nowhere and threw it over him.

"Ha ha ha!" He laughed. "Now you can't see me!" and with that, he ran out of the room, with the blanket still over him.

Hermione turned away from where Snape had 'disappeared', and turned to Harry and Ron who were deep in conversation.

"See Harry I told you! You need to be more careful!" said Hermione.

Harry turned to face Hermione.

"I have no idea what you just said, but did you hear the latest news?"

"Snape's working for Voldemort?" muttered Hermione darkly.

"No, he wouldn't do that," said Harry. "But Ron's just told me that Luna's just dropped out of school to start an emu farm."

Hermione just sighed and shook her head.

-At the Death Eater Hideout-

"Get lucky?" said Voldemort. "That's…that's it! It's so simple!"

"Yes," Snape agreed. "If we had realised it was as simple as some lucky potion we could have killed him 9,586, 400 some-odd plans ago!"

"Serverus," said Voldemort seriously. "Were did you get such a stupid idea? Lucky potion!" He laughed to himself for a minute. "No no, we're going to be using emus!"

* * *

-To Be Continued- (maybe…) 


End file.
